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[24th/11/09
15/01] |
Location: Bar I am working on
Slightly drunk man with group of friends: "You know you have lovely eyes"
My good self: "Oh. Thanks."
Later...
Location: Outside auditorium where I am now working
I am standing with my boyfriend, we're having a small tiff because it's my fault we're both working longer. Slightly drunk man without group of friends comes out of auditorium.
SDM: "Hi"
Me: "Hello"
SDM: "Don't you remember me?
I'm the one who said you have lovely eyes"
Me: "Oh"
SDM: "Never mind"
Slightly drunk man retreats.
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[24th/11/09
14/13] |
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Looking out of my window I see the leaflet people are out in force this afternoon. Even in the rain, they never give up posting leaflets through letterboxes, disregarding that it is almost entirely useless. I nearly applied to do that job - the idea appealed to me, earning money by walking round London's great outdoors, my favourite soundtrack on my headphones. But always is the knowledge, lingering, that the homeowners come straight down and throw all your hard work away. They don't even look at it, why would they? And all that is left is you wandering the streets for hours on end, for companies you don't care about, in the rain.
I took these photographs November & December 2008, my Grandad has since died so they mean a lot to me -
I'm trying to write lyrics which will be part French and part English, worryingly the English part is the real struggle (and my French is terrible, to boot) We're supposed to perform it in this class but I can't sing in front of anyone, I get so scared, my throat just won't produce the noise so aside skipping these lessons I am at loss at what to do.
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[22nd/11/09
03/50] |
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music |
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boyfriend's white stripes/suggs cecilia |
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Noteworthy events of late:
Lady in the newsagents round the corner thinking I was16 (I'm 21)
Used a large-format camera for the first time, fucked it up of course
My desk (ikea) is by the window overlooking the road, getting to know the characters of my street (white hair old man is one to watch). You know I always wanted a desk by a window looking at something.
It's three 'o' clock, the rain has been coming down for about an hour. I love the sound it makes! We spend most of our time one room here. It's nice with our little desks and the bed and the winter. I'm making an attempt to write more, maybe 1000 words a day on Word. I do like having an internet diary but may move elsewhere as I'm planning some sort of website at some point for photography, or something. I hate the adverts on livejournal - and that cake that says "10" on the homepage, shallow but true. But we'll see. Anyway it's getting late, must form a routine at some point even just so I can break it. My classes this term are i)innovative poetry ii)lyric writing iii) photography proposal so it's nice, nearly week 9 of 12 though so a lot on.
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[12th/7/09
21/01] |
So much has happened! O so much has changed dear diary. (I am only talking about my life, not in terms of the world or anything, vanity must win you see). And I feel happier for it. Life is becoming more and more apparent. Some events would be classed as very good and others very bad. Everything influences each other, I'm realising. That's only because I feel quite optimistic today. Tomorrow could be very different, as we all know. Well rather than map out the pleasure and pain I will just write and you can decide what is what (if you want to ).
A few months back I was feeling very despondent about things, I ended it with my boyfriend and my studying was seeming somewhat tedious, I didn't really know what to do. I did bad things without thinking, I forgot my morality. Also, my grandad passed away (we were told he had a brain tumour last year). I was - I am - so so sad about it because I love him very much, of course. He was 89. In the winter I had taken some photos of him and his flat, I made them into a little book that was for my course (I never showed him it sadly). It might have been the most meaningful thing I have ever done. But anyway I am so glad I have a record of that time.
So, continuing with the 2009 story, I had to write short story and it was going terrible, all very pretentious and everything, I had to start a rewrite. I wasn't taking any pictures for photography, everything was just slowing down in a grinding halt.
But I've found a beautiful young man, Michael, who I started seeing and I've been so happy since. I met him just across the hall because we had already been living together for two years as friends. I always wanted to be open with someone, which is perhaps why I've invested so much in diaries like this, and being inside my own head. And now there's someone I am able to be open with. He even reads this (not a bestseller in any respect). Term ended in May and we've rarely been apart. It's been a beautiful summer. Next week we move to a nice house near a tube (plans to busk outside the station). So yes, all good. And my story rewrite wound up receiving a first! That I wasn't expecting at all - so I must gush all over my diary about it, try not to hate me too much.
I want to write more but I've forgotten how to, I really should write more - even when it's unreadable. Take care for now xxx
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| a song i just wrote |
[28th/4/09
16/11] |
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oohhh
there's a bird in my garden
there's a bird in my tree
hey there's thrush up the chimney
sparrows in the pantry
oh birds of the household
you give it a rest
you know you'd be better
if you stayd in your nest
i tried to sing them out
but the birds would not come
then they died in the summer
from an inability to adapt to the indoor climate and lifestyle, coupled with a rich diet, lack of exercise, i think it was bound to happen in
the end you know.
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[10th/4/09
01/08] |
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O life. It's funny. You may even call it h i l a r i o u s. Or you might not, you might surpass the entire thing, y I don't know you that well.
I'd love to write about all that's gone on, all that's gone wrong, put it into song. Please bear in mind it would be well off key. But I won't nor can I. You only live once. Altho you can fit a fair few into that, if your good with timing. But I am tired of all that, I'm going to try and stay on the rails. When you are on the right track, the worst thing you can do is derail you know. Just like the trains, we are.
Thesedays, I am repeatedly seeing men being arrested and shouting fear fear fear. I am finding myself happiest at 0313. There is so much
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[20th/2/09
12/56] |
( ... )
I'm getting violin lessons from a frenchman, Jean-pierre, the frenchiest name in existance. I've already spent £50 on those lessons, fifty pounds I don' t have, rather it has been given to me by the state as some sort of favour to pay back. But I'm starting to realise that money is only numbers on a screen in a hole-in-the-wall. You can't let it get bigger than Life. And if you want violin lessons from a french man then why not because you do not live twice, you might die tonight, nothing means anything anyyways.</p>
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[5th/2/09
00/19] |
A ridiculously funny day in terms of strange men saying hello. I decided not to spend the day throwing my time out my bedroom window, and took a bus to piccadilly for a walk around. And this city has this incredible desolation. In that, it's crammed full of people. I love that.
( ... )
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[3rd/2/09
04/24] |
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music |
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i want you she's so heavy |
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Pass so many car accidents and broken vehicles, groups of humans all standing around with the police. Then the 170, victoria to roehampton, friends pushing each other over in warm arms and grown-up snowball fights, i smile so much to see that. But then more broken cars, flashing lights on the roundabout, sorry pathetic life.. how can the world be so different for every single person. How can tragedy and joy align? The streets mirror the world somedays, they do. Then i break out into the torrid weather, bitter blowing freezing, walk my own journey to an almost empty house. What is my story. I don't even know how to tell , live it. So i will stop thinking so hard, watch the weather from my window, just regard the beauty of it all while it lasts.
Yes i've done wrong, every one makes mistakes. This is what u must tell yourself, in order to forgive.
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[24th/1/09
02/58] |
oi
oi
it's been a nondescript beginning,.. these opening weeks of the year. i only know that there is something uneasy in the air, feeling like just the january blues. but i can feel a change, that something bad is going to happen, and i can only lie in wait, while it lies in wait for me..
my grandad has refused to stay in the respite home, but i can understand that, can't you? everyone wants to stay where they are truly home. i hate change, i think it gets the better of me, i stay in situations too long i probably ought not to... worst of all i cannot seem to ever change myself. but there is stil time.
i've been waking up with the same sorry head as ever, i have to stop doing this soon. today watched the television far too long with my housemate - think of all the things we could be doing..
i seriously cannot stand the television, it's getting in the way of all human interaction. you meet so many people in your lifetime, you talk mindless chatter all day long but you don't know anything about one an other. i look at the people i know and what do i know? meager information. that's why people write books and make music and go and see a shrink. we're all in hiding from the truth it seems.
ed larrikin gig two nites ago with nicola and it's better every time, i've been watching it on youtube all day, he is my latest whatever you might call it.
tomorrow to the library, maybe cycle barnes or mortlake, waste time. where's all the others like me where? January is only for the rain, and staying in bed, I know I'd rather be.
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[31st/12/08
02/02] |
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. . . . .
o little boy blew
& wen the wind blu
the bulbs blue too
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| ddd |
[25th/11/08
01/56] |
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Dylan Moran, love love love him, saw him tonite. I wish everyone had his brain in their heads. I've borrowed a Derren brown book to read on the bus and I laught out loud a few times.. with earphones in you forget where you are, til you look up, to many ashen faces of london.
I don't have anything to say and I apologize. I might have ostracized myself from most human operation but it doesnt mean I don't just want conversation and life like everyone.
No one will accept that we are all alone, we will cling to the tiniest of things. I feel like the day I admit that nothing means anything, then life will really benign. Tomorow I will stand up and do that.
I couldn't sleep after a few hours of nightbus after a poor night watching girls and boys and songs with no feeling. I stayed up with A clockwork orange on repeat, drinking sadness and dreaming the old earl grey. The sun was already up and 'why are we here?' and I hate not sleeping and everything becoming heavier.
I wouldn't mind giving something back to the world, to say thankyou, but nothing is nothing. I try and imagine my future self and there is no one. Where is my life? where is my youth? Maybe it has missed the train, maybe it has fallen over. How long will it take, for someone to come and pick it up? I love all the potential that lies in youth, but one day I'll wake up and it won't be next to me anymore, it will have escaped thru an open window and it won't be mine anymore.
Everything is fleeting.
Dear Margie, hello. It is 5:15 a.m.
fucked til 7 now she's late for work and I'm
18 so why are my hands shaking I should know better.
-ted berrigan
alex turner-
'In the tunnel, I noticed I had a choice of three. While I thought it very kind of them to offer me this, I do wonder if they realise what a dilemma they were sending to face me.
The trouble was if I looked at your reflection in the left window I missed the actual image of you and your reflection in the right. And if I looked in the right I had the same problem but the other way around. At first I thought I should probably settle on one of the two mirrors as they were soon to disappear, but that idea quickly wilted and my attention was drawn back to the center occasionally checking on either side. I must say I did question the authenticity of your nap a few minutes before. As the train left I suspected it could be a device to avoid conversation. I barely considered this for a moment, however, when a heavy breath and a gulping sound that I decided would be too embarrassing to fake led me to conclude that your nap wasn’t fraudulent. I found it difficult to concentrate on anything else as you slumped beneath your coat. Delighted that we’d waiting until this hour to travel so the evening soon got its opportunity to skip across those sleeping cheeks, but unnerved by the prospect of being removed from the opposing chair to yours. I knew it was reserved, but hopes whoever had reserved it has fallen over. It looked as if today I’d be safe; the train wasn’t too busy, but I did take a moment to recall a time when I was less fortunate. I remembered it with a chilling vividity when we were on the way to Brighton. I knew it was going to be his seat as soon as I saw him on the platform unzipping, checking, zipping, and re-checking things. Something about his face suggested that he had for years had a moustache and had not long since removed it.
He wasn’t going to think twice about disposing of me, especially considering then he’d get the chance to sit with you.'
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[17th/11/08
19/02] |
I took myself out on the bicycle and all the streetlights of the horizon formed this incandescent blanket I can't describe. When something so beautiful is in front of me I feel like it is washing over my eyes and painting the back of my head and letting the beauty in. When I'm out on my bike in the gloomy england dusk I must be closest to my realest self. Pretty terrible, that. I've been photographing the sky and all of its colourss
There is some crooked line running through my family tree that makes some of my uncles cheat. My grandad was happier than I ever saw him- he's had his sight fixed and he says the colours are really colours now. Family is a strange notion. What do any of us have in common but this thin bond of scarlet kroovy? Oh I would like to live on devil's dyke, it's the most magical place I ever been up there, On Sussex Downs.
Soon I am working Dylan moran and I can't can't wait, I don't even mind that I will have to show the latecomers to their seats. David cassidy was the other day and the nostalgia was almost too much, this room full of swaying reminiscing and singing and I started to feel it in my throat like I was going to sick and all the middle age women were really rabid, I was just trapped in my own head with no link to this past they kept within them, like jewellrey they look at but never wear. Always I wish I could find the words, or wish they would find me, they must be in hiding. One day I will admit everything, i promise.
  
BERNARD FAUCON
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[18th/9/08
18/25] |
-mortlake
I am in a library . I'm trying to find bicycles on gumtree in a very empty silent room. It's funny being alone. And only hearing the sounds of your fingers on the keys for hours &hours upon hours.
I have moved into a house now in South west london, but it's empty and devoid of people, everyone went home. And with no internet and barely there and flickering television screens, there is nothing technological to do so I just read or paint my nails or fill my bedroom up with smoke then open the windows and let it out again.
I have a big new room and a brand new view but I am not particularly inspired, not even by life. The things I make or say, I really shouldn'tve bothered. I'm no good at my casual job. Even after a year on & off, I realise I will always be just like a new girl. Only I never learn. I don't remember names or prices or faces.
The city is too much.
The sea and the sand, the grass, the hills, the architecture of the countryside, they seem so far away. I can substitute a coast with the thames, or the fields with richmond park. But I don't want to do that anymore. You can't replace what you love. I wish I was somwhere else today. With someone who loves me. We think too much about everything and nothing. Wher e is the inbetween.
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| september |
[7th/9/08
00/03] |
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This weather is feral, but I'm somewhat in love with it. I sat and watched all of the street lights come on at 7:38pm. The sky seemed to be falling to earth, like this dense grey sadness. But I don't feel sad. I love the drama in the sky. Sometimes the clouds race and it is mimicking your heart and your life and your love. It reminds me I am alive. People always complain about the rain. But where else would it go, if it didn't fall to the earth? 
( xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx )
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| you are you |
[24th/7/08
22/42] |
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music |
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johnny flynn/ joy division |
] |
I'm going to steal my neighbours cat.( . )
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| july |
[17th/7/08
03/52] |
1.
Some important news in
the world of jenny's hair.
( xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx )
2.
( xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx )
3.
I have read twenty sixx books so far 2008
4.
Long ago, if my memory serves me, my life was a banquet where everyone's heart was generous, and where all wines flowed.
5.
Where do dreams live?
6.
I need to learn to sleep properly, I have to learn to sleep.
7.
GOOD NIGHT for now. I will try and come back when my head is aligned with my heart andhands.XXXXXXXXXX
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| june |
[1st/6/08
18/46] |
ANOTHER bruise, I nearly cried
There was a Summer Ball, the prom. But I never went, and just played my guitar because I am poor and a loser. Poor loser. That doesnt bother me so much you know
There is nothing to do. Not even writing bad poetry. I like talking to strangers. I talked to one in Mortlake. Richmond menthols. The clouds were infinite. This is my last week in London for a while. It is a time for walking all over this city. There are footprints to be made.
Hello, June.
This month I will turn 20 and grow up. To celebrate I made one of these. We might just want a life of clichés. But nobody wants to be one.
Boredom drawings:
The sun forgot itself.
Why is the sun gone? when did it forget itself?
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[14th/2/08
23/01] |
Nothing means anything.
I gave up.
( nightwalks )
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[6th/2/08
21/28] |
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hi!
this weekend I went home for a few days and it was very nice, except I was ill a bit, and except the saying goodbyes.
the first thing I do is head to sea. the north east coastline is a thing I can't describe.
this long stretch of land where the transparent waves and the grey sands live.
this weekend coming i am going to amsterdam! where I have never been.
last week I was hit by a motorbike, and after appreciating being alive for all of an hour
I started getting bored in a&e and stopped appreciating and lamented life once more.
no bruises: the pamphlet's my proof
Ambitions: I always wished I could be a Russian Doll. A red one. With a big pair of bright blue eyes and painted on eyelashes and pink rosy cheeks. Really rosy. And my mouth would be painted on red like a bow. I’d have a flower on my chest - a rose - and two small little hands by my side. And then I could be un wrapped, two, three, four times until I was small. Really small.
- from this, I thought it was nice, despite how she's really talking about being anorexic and all .
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[16th/1/08
03/23] |
My outfit for to morrow ?
A long time ago, man would listen in amazement to the sound of regular beats in his chest, never suspecting what they were. He was unable to identify himself with so alien and unfamiliar an object as the body. The body was a cage, and inside that cage was something which looked, listened, feared, thought, and marvelled; that something, that remainder left over after the body had been accounted for, was the soul.
Today, of course, the body is no longer unfamiliar:we know that the beating in our chest is the heart and that the nose is the nozzle of a hose sticking out of the body to take oxygen to the lungs. The face is nothing but an instrument panel registering all the body mechanisms: digestion, sight, hearing, respiration, thought. Ever since man has learned to give each part of the body a name, the body has given him less trouble. He has also learned that the soul is nothing more than the grey matter of the brain in action. The old duality of body and soul has become shrouded in scientific terminology, and we can laugh at it as merely an obsolete prejudice.
But just make someone who has fallen in love listen to his stomach rumble, and the unity of body and soul, that lyrical illuion of the age of science, instantly fades away.
(THE UNBEARBALE LIGHTNESS OF BEING)
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[13th/8/07
14/31] |
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HELLO
HELLO
HELLO
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[12th/8/07
02/09] |
It was my last day
I am not a chambermaid anymore!
Everything is good.
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| (Love) |
[5th/7/07
00/41] |
Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So anyone who's in love gets sad when they think of their lover. It's like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven't seen in a long time.
- Kafka on the shore
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| Hello |
[26th/6/07
01/35] |
Hi,
Here is my new home for whatnots, photos, music maybe even.
It is nice to have somewhere to pour out the things in your head.
Even if sometimes you'd rather just be in bed.
So Hello :o)
LOVE JENNY XOXOXOXOXOXO
The clocks fell off the walls
All the clocks struck midnight
And all the clocks fell off.
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